I’ve done it! I’ve finally read my first book in what, almost three years? To me, it feels so shameful to admit I haven’t read anything in that long. It wasn’t through a lack of wanting or good books. It was more a mental barrier I had placed on myself, I suppose.
I had always prided myself on being a big reader. Even when I was working in an office full time and going to the gym 6 x a week, I’d still be able to snatch a few hours on a Saturday afternoon to spend with a good book. Throughout lockdown I read even more, I think I was averaging a book every couple of days. Then a few things changed but I can’t quite put my finger on exactly when reading just dropped off my list of things I enjoyed.
Lockdown leading to a slower pace of life
I don’t know about you, but I feel like lockdown made me so used to being at home more, and perhaps having a more fluid routine. Before lockdown I’d be out of the house from 8am – 8pm, going to work and then the gym afterwards. During weekends I’d be out as well, meeting friends for lunch or drinks or just going for a wander. Over the past few years or so I’ve been so much less motivated to do these. I’d neglected this blog because I just didn’t have the capacity to think about it or the will to continue doing things that once brought me joy.
Feeling like my identity changed with life
I don’t think I can blame this entirely on lockdown. Throughout 2020 and most of 2021 I was still reading, writing on here, seeing friends and although I couldn’t go to the gym I was still going on walks for hours after work just to get out of the house and get some exercise. I think several things happened towards the end of 2021 and in 2022 which made me withdraw from myself slightly.
I changed my job towards the end of 2021 which shook my sense of stability. Before then I had been in my old role for around 6 years. During my time in that role I’d had promotion, met new friends, built my confidence and gym routine. It felt like a huge part of my life and who I was, and in an instant it changed. I didn’t enjoy my new role and left after a short time. I’m in a job I enjoy now but I found that whole period destabilising for a long time.
Also just personally as well I went through a few things. Friends moving away, feeling like I’m not where I *should* be in life and a painful personal situation that took me a long time to process.
I feel like the change in job, losing who I was a little bit, and then the personal situation just added up over time. It wasn’t one single thing that made me enjoy life less, it was the combination of all of them. At that point, I had very little motivation to do anything beyond the basics. It took all of my energy just to show up at work, keep food in the fridge, and maintain my living space. Anything beyond that felt overwhelming.
Bringing back small bits of joy to every day life
Over the past maybe two years, I’ve been trying little things every day to gain back the enjoyment I felt before. I’ve started posting on here a little more, seeing friends, learning new recipes etc. The two things I hadn’t fully incorporated back into life were reading and taking long walks every day / going to the gym.
I remember seeing one of my friends in 2024 after not seeing her for maybe 6 months. She’d mentioned we’d not spent time together in a while and I admitted that I felt like I wouldn’t be very good company feeling the way I was. She said “but I love you and want to spend time with you. You don’t have to worry about not being good company.” To me that was very validating. To know people valued me as a person to want to spend time with me or support me even when I wasn’t feeling very chatty or bubbly.
Other friends really helped as well. Even if it’s just a text to say “how are you today?” These small moments of acknowledgement made me feel less isolated.
It has taken a while to regain a sense of enjoyment in every day activities. Some days the activities that used to bring me joy felt more like a chore. But over time my feelings towards them changed and I started to feel joy again.
Picking up my Kindle again
When I was ruminating on life and what had happened, I couldn’t switch my brain off to concentrate on a book. My Kindle had started to slow down too which didn’t help. I used to power it up and it took so long I’d manage to talk myself out of starting a new book. So, I bought a new one in the Black Friday sale. I made a promise to myself that if I spent the money on it, I’d at least give it a go. And I’m proud to say that I’ve finished a book and have started my second.
I feel like this is a big thing for me. It’s helping me feel a bit like “me” again. I feel good in myself, not just because of the commitment to finish a book, but also to overcome some of the things that were holding me back to begin with. This feels like one of the last blocks to rebuilding my sense of self again.
My hopes for the future
My next aim is to start getting out and about a bit more and explore London, even if I don’t have a purpose or destination. Sometimes it is nice just to be outside, although the weather is not so inviting at the moment.
If you have ever feel how I did. I promise it won’t be that way forever. Sometimes I used to wake up and wonder if I’d ever feel like myself again. It’s really hard to feel like you’re in a place you can’t escape, but even the smallest steps eventually lead out.
Have you ever rediscovered a lost passion?
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